In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks to the innovative therapist and author about his new book, In Each Other’s Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them, discussing some of the research-based, practical strategies he has developed in his celebrated PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy) model. Stan Tatkin is uniquely talented at helping couples shift from being in each other’s faces to being in each other’s care. This is an excerpt from You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships by Richard C. In most cases, when one partner has the courage to reveal the vulnerability that drives their protectiveness, the atmosphere immediately softens and the couple shifts toward Self-to-Self communication. That step involves staying inside long enough to learn about the exiles that your protectors are guarding, and then telling your partner about these vulnerable parts. ![]() ![]() If it feels safe enough, moving an extra step toward vulnerability can reap big rewards. When a couple is embattled and each focuses inside, as in step 2, usually they only hear from their protectors. Listen to your partner from your open-hearted Self.Tell your partner about what you found inside (speak for your parts), and.Ask those parts to relax and let you speak for them.Focus inside and find the parts that are triggered.When you begin to fight, each of you can try the following: These practices-remaining the “I” in the storm or the empty vessel, and speaking for rather than from your parts-can be combined into a general way of relating as a couple when you have conflict. Practice: SELF-LEADERSHIP AS A WAY OF INTERACTING IN A CONFLICT What they really want is to have a voice-to be listened to by you and to have their position represented to others. When your parts trust that you will speak for them, they feel less driven to take over and explode at people. Self energy has a soothing effect on any parts it touches, whether they are in you or in another person. Instead, your respect and compassion for the other person will be heard in addition to the courage of your convictions. Your words lose their judgmental sting or their off-putting desperation and coerciveness. When, on the other hand, you listen to your protectors and then speak for them, from your Self, the message is received in a very different way, even if you use the same words that your parts are saying. When your protective parts are upset and speak directly to another person, invariably they will trigger parts in the other. ![]() When people receive a message from you, it has two components: the content (the actual words) and the energy behind the words. In the Internal Family Systems model, the practice of speaking for, rather than from, parts when they are triggered is an important aspect of Self-leadership. Finally, Valarie shares what we can learn from our rage and grief, as well as the importance of connecting with our joy and our ancestors as we keep showing up for the labors of love before us. Valarie also talks about “the heart and the fist,” and why both are necessary in order to create the systemic, cultural, and environmental transformations our world needs. They explore what it is to extend love to all people without limit and how opening our hearts in this way is both an ancient and radical act. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon and Valarie discuss “revolutionary love” as a guiding ethic for our times. With Sounds True, Valarie has created The People’s Inauguration -a 10-day online program to help us reckon with all we have lost and point us toward a vision of the society we can build together, grounded in love. She’s the founder of the Revolutionary Love Project and author of the book See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love. Valarie Kaur is a seasoned civil rights activist and celebrated prophetic voice at the forefront of progressive change.
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